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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Meshie's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, December 14th, 2004
6:08 pm
Blame it on the Tetons
:) I've forgotten how much i love this song. Life is too much of balancing
act and right now i feel like jumping far to a side. I have a lot of shit
that needs to be finished and some sweeping up to brush the messes out.

I'm far too shy to speak to you at school
You leave me numb and I'm not sure why

I find it easier to sit and stare
Than push my limbs out towards you right there

This secret crush buisness is more tangled then i wouldve imagined :)
Wednesday, December 8th, 2004
5:12 pm
The Taste Of...
Cake. :) Im off for a little pre-cake catnap. Its actually
the wednseday i have been waiting for is now.

Feeling warm, sleepy and want to be everybodies best friend.

Current Mood: excited
Sunday, December 5th, 2004
3:08 pm
Save Yourself
The fire alarms going off. And nobody even moves. Disapointed in alot of people
and trapped myself in a corner where i just have to suck it up wait for it to
pass no matter how long it takes.

Im cold so my skins purple and my arms are spider webs of veins.

Everythings shit so the only thing left to do is suck enjoyment from the little
details, the foam on your drink, fuzzy socks, the way you can spot your reflection
in the black of person your looking at's eyes.

Current Mood: depressed
Saturday, December 4th, 2004
12:54 pm
You Sit Here Reading Me Like a Book
This weekend has been, (gasp) well...good. Last night attempted to
go christmas shopping downtown with Liz, truth is no one really cares about
presents people buy about them so im not going to this year, so it evolved
into me spending money on food. By the physical laws of the universe it is
impossible to walk past Ken's without buying a slice and continued being a
a cafe slut and going to Mirabelle's for lime tart then ginger cider from

My shoes have no grips whatsoever so every time i lifted my foot and put it
down to walk i would slide. So i was the obnoxious person bumping into everyone
on church street because why walk when you can slide? Met up with Louise
for the basketball game and stayed for the dance team,the mall, then spent the night
at Lou's and yummy chinese fried rice for breakfast along with delivering
Pointsettias, and locked myself in my room and plugged the guitar in, after
5 minutes it turned into an hour and a half and a couple of new songs down.

Current Mood: productive
Friday, December 3rd, 2004
3:37 pm
Caught 30 seconds of the acoustic version of 'no one else'
and ive been frantically searching for the full version
online and its nowhere and im having a panic attack
trying not to over analyze this and see it as some sign but
it wont stay pushed in the back of my mind.

I want a girl laugh for no one else
When im away she puts her make up on her self
When im away she never leaves the house
I want a girl who laughs for no one else

and im close to crying and this is pathetic with the billion
copies sold why has someone not illegally put it on the internet?
(dripping with sarcams)is fate only allowing me 29 seconds?

No, for those of you trying to read into this lame blob of complaints
in letters, i do not literly want a girl, who will laugh for no one else.
I dont want a girl at all. Its the jelous undertone and longing behind it.
Longing for longing...and if i cant even get 30 seconds, well i don't have
much then do i?

And im heading out for the night, so i better clean the smeared eyeliner.
6:54 am
I Guess I Thought You Had The Flavour..
Feeling ill to the point where i dont care any more if i ever
feel better.

"Tell me what you eat and I'll tell you who you are," - The iron chef

Holy fuck, that would make me nothing. Glad my lifes fulfilled.
Tonight I'll be hitting the shops downtown in vainsearch for
christmas presents i dont want to buy anymore than give, and
of course the weekly one grande nick's ginger echinacea cider.

It doesnt take much to make me happy, ginger cider, good music,
snow and if ever in the same day i would be on a natural high
for the rest of my existance.

Im also guilty of fucking things up that are fine. But thats another
entry for another time. Off I go to school...

Current Mood: Empty
Tuesday, November 30th, 2004
7:16 pm
Oh It Brings Me Down...
I have not felt this sick since Green Lake
I am never going to eat again. ever.

Current Mood: sick
Monday, November 29th, 2004
7:26 pm
Oddly enough life is throwing me one of those waves right now
where everything seems to be going in my direction. Friends are
great, i've even reconnected with some people I haven't kept in
touch with for a long time and that always gives you a boast in
that rare lapse of time when some one is disapointing me or there's
some petty conflict. very rare but everything goes in cycles.

Even though its only Monday, I feel like I've got a grasp on
school work and once you've recieved a B+ on a Donovan test, it all
seems conquerable.

Ecstatic about the CAKE concert with Louise a week from Wed. The ticket
says 18+ but the website says all ages...and theres not enough time for
a fake ID, so im hoping the websites correct, or I will be biting
the manager of higher ground.

Spasms of jubilance thinking about January. Its simply
orgasmic. Bright eyes is coming HERE, to little old South
Burlington and its open ages all for a mere $20 fucking dollars...
I think I am going to explode from happiness.

This is one of those moments in life where i can point back and say,
things can be okay, hell things can be great!!!

Current Mood: satisfied
Thursday, November 25th, 2004
2:28 pm
Turkey Day...
So the table is being set and the food's been prepared for awhile. I have only been
munching occassionally on jalepeno chips, waiting patiently for dinner. My head feels
better, although being sleep deprived im feeling bursts of energy.

Pennsylvania is always that comforting chaotic rush of days.

I don't say this often enough, but i have really really good friends, who
deserve some spoiling. So thankful smiles to all of my friends now, and even if we
aren't close but were.

Current Mood: complacent
Saturday, November 20th, 2004
9:52 pm
Season = Winter
You're Most Like The Season Winter ...

You're often depicted as the cold, distant season.
But you're incredibly intelligent, mature and
Independant. You have an air of power around
you - and that can sometimes scare people off.
You're complex, and get hurt easily - so you
rarely let people in if you can help it. You
can be somewhat of a loner, but just as easily
you could be the leader of many. You Tend to be
negative, and hard to relate to, but you give
off a relaxed image despite being insecure -
and secretly many people long to be like you,
not knowing how deep the Winter season really

Well done... You're the most inspirational of
seasons :)

?? Which Season Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

Hmmm...I've been told that several times. :-/
9:35 pm
Somewhere only we know..
What a disapointing night. I can't shake off this feeling of
being cheated. Money is a hindrance on life. Unfortunately
its only of those necessary evils. Coming up short in
too many instances...

Toga party tommarow night and chopped off all of my hair. It
has a very great gatsby schwing to it. Unstraightened
looks unrecognizable to the alternative. Not negitively,

I haven't listened to this song at the very least a year.
Theres always something vaguely comforting listening to an a
song that had you.

Somehow, the whole "UF" situation poured out of me onto Liz unexpectedly.
I've never talked about it to anyone besides Ariane who can
distantly connect. The details werent strewn out and I couldn't
bring myself to even tell Liz everything, but its a sharp anxiety
in me now to the point where i want to fake being sick.

Current Mood: disappointed
Monday, November 15th, 2004
7:29 pm
Floating On...
Today had a very tea and crumpets flair to it.
Dandy and Pleasantville-like.

Not all days should be like this, because nothing
would get done and mellow is only nice until
you've remembered how sweet adreniline is. And yesterday.
Yesterday was good day too. Big Smile :)

Current Mood: content
Saturday, November 13th, 2004
3:24 pm
Mellowing out the madness. I think I died yesterday
being exposed to people (certain unamed human in particular)
who've converted into asses. Let go of any ambition
so they can be cool, in return they look like
fucking idiots and i'm not going into further details
if its not already obvious who it is.

and goddamn i hate this house.

"No, ive got work to do.."
"Clean for your brothers party now. I cant"
"Why didn't you start this EARLIER instead
of playing computer games?"
"We waited until you came home to do them."

In reality there was less sarcasm than intended.

Current Mood: aggravated
Thursday, November 11th, 2004
10:12 pm
Everybody Cut Loose..
Warm conclusion to a day of confusion. Elaborating on
everyone leaving me next year isn't going to change it
so i won't waste the space. Mirabelle's tart is worth
shitty days. Thursdays tend to unwind this way.

Footloose gave off this warm fuzzy vibe. Watching
my friends on stage. :) I hadnt realised how much i missed
all the drama kids.

And Im real tired now, and distracted so it isnt worth
it to continue

Current Mood: complacent
Wednesday, November 10th, 2004
8:31 pm
Visions of Sugar Plums
Dreaming of hot gravy fries for block lunch and Mirabelle
lemon tarts, Mmmm. I have had the ability to dial a phone
for 12 years and only discovered the gloriousness of
865-food. Mirabelles can be delivered to my fucking doorstep
along with Nectars or Long Chats and i cant think about
this much longer!!

Yeah, if your skimming these words Paul, im really going to
apologize first to prevent myself being sliced by that
fancy Japanese sword...but buddy you lack that irish luck, or
maybe you just have really bad timing. Though you did make a
lovely hair model...

The end of the week seems to be wrapping up quite nicely,
busy but nicely. Finished up one science lab with Mikaela so
my weekends clear of that.

I love this fucking time of year. :)

Current Mood: cheerful
Tuesday, November 9th, 2004
3:20 pm
I'm Alot Like You
Outside my window figuratively and literly
is a swirl of snowflakes. Can this be stressed
more? I love this fucking weather. No drug could
make me higher than I am now on winter.

Current Mood: ecstatic
Monday, November 8th, 2004
7:33 pm
Thanks For All You've Shown Us...
It's all back into it's natural groove which
is nice to fall back into, as long as your not
too content from experience as soon as your
comfortable life whirls you around 180.

sarah from now on is my dedicated grammatically
guiding spirit whenever she tends to wander
away from Clithroe which i can't imagine why anyone
would willingly walk away from a college filled
with english schoolboys.

The dye is leaving my hair and the blonde is seeping
out. changing it raven wouldn't make a difference it
would probably act as a catalyst and make me look like
the little swiss girl i am.

With a semismile i am ready to conquer this week.
Alot of the necessities are completed and burdens

Current Mood: bouncy
4:07 pm
It's a lucious mix of words and tricks
All the pathetic rebellion I could muster up today was the
pink pants, unstraightened hair and by damn it returned me
a smile.

A little poetic switch flipped on when the snowflakes flurried
down while geometry equations were being scribbled on the chalk
board. This really is my favorite season. I have this intense
need to go sleeding with Sinjon (maybe this time he won't lick
the metal poles...)my favorite memories are either making snow igloos
with ariane or sylvia and other cool neighborhood kids then telling
mom I was going to live in my fort forever which lasted until
she reminded me that there was hot chocolate waiting in mugs indoors.
Snow Tubing down the overly icy lanes while the stars reflected down
with my other half.

Iceskating and snowball fights...snow creatures calvin style and
fuzzy warm mittens. Excuses to wear big fluffy scarves, hot
lattes and ginger cider. Lying infront of the fireplace cuddled in
comforters and giggling, writing or simply soaking the warmth in.
Arguing with relatives and returning bad gifts and falling on my ass
trying to ski.

Summer is great, no school...schedules can be modified and generally
its that freedom of "hey its summer, i can do whatever i want" usually
i do, end up making alot of mistakes then starting all over again in the
fall with the best of intentions. Maybe the most depressing season but
most inspiring. After much unease, I'm starting to feel comforted anticipating

Heres to forgetting the daily shit and enjoying winter. Join Me?

Current Mood: exanimate
Saturday, November 6th, 2004
11:14 pm
From A Balance Beam...
I would like to say today was eventful.
I would like to complain that it wasn't.

Sleep is good. Replied back to alot
of emails ive avoided subconciously for a long
time, did some other necessary chores and practiced
my geeeetar. Called some people in attempts to
check up. Went back to the firehouse gallery then
wandered restlessly around downtown by myself until
i found myself a cosy little nook in Borders where
i read NME. Snap of fate and right when i go into
the shop to buy my dress they only have a large and
small on the rack, neither fit as well as the medium,
as i was leaving the shop a girl was paying for the
same dress in medium. Good ol' timing..

Story is in the Soil is my new comfort blankie.
Oberst mind blowing. Perception of Nebraskaners is forever

Late afternoon Liz and I went shopping and as much as
i hate money the outcome i can deal with. I bought myself
a pretty lacy pink bra that yeah im having fun with.
And small vermont school play fun with Rose and Shannon.

Pleased to have provided you with another useless update.

Current Mood: indifferent
11:17 am
And To Think That We're Made of 80% Water...
The attempt to update last night fell through because my bed
warm and blanket filled was all too inviting. If i typed this
after school my entry would have a different focus.

I only signed up for health class because of the requirement
but lately its been digging deeper connecting when i need it the
most. I am not going to reread that sentence because typing it
out the first time felt ridiculas enough. For some reason
it hit me harder than it should of, i could of went out of class
for the cutting discussion and Dr. Phil analysis, then on that
deeper level of everything being connected and predestined then
I had to see it. If its anything parallel to the stress
then I am no where.

No, I'm not taking out the razor
or pressing in the pins, but as the tape rolled on and the monotonous
zombie girl said she cut because it was the only way to relieve
that tension. Tension thats building up in my stomache and
yeah i can talk about it, i distract myself but its not gone and it
gets to the point where you will do anything to release it. Is it normal
for 4/5 of your closest friends to cut? New drug, eh?It's fucked up
the thoughts racing through my head, but if my life was a story it felt
inevitable and the back of my head was pounding just do it. Its
fucking fustrating how i have no control over what they do or how they react
and that maternal instinct leaks out of me wanting to protect my friends
and always be there for them. The class probably hit harder than it should
have especially because I know one of my favorite people in the world is going
through alot of shit that is undeserved and theres nothing at all i can do
about it.

So, that and my cancelled plans for the night threw my afternoon off. I love
warm food and dig resources, if someones right there why not take advantage of
that and get to know them? Haley recieved my telepathic call and we met up
at the firehouse gallery then saw "What the Bleep Do We Know" which was the right
prescription. The film itself is about Quantum Physics, which has always been
an interest, summerized it made me realise endless potential. We all have endless
potential and we fucking give it up for the same old standard of life. This is
a real exciting world, you can only be bored of life if you don't bother trying to
live a little differently. One comment that was made was,"If you don't ask questions
and seek answers about why we are here on earth, what our purpose is and what can we
do, then you are 75% dead." And also the pure fact that Albert Einstein considered to of
been the smartest man alive, used only 6% of his brain. Think about all the unknown
territory right in your mind.

Another interesting thought is about the eye and the brain, how there is no difference
between what your eyes see and how your brain percieves it, so in theory our brains could
be decieving reality. Or our brains can be trained to see only what they are
conditioned to see and the more you open your mind to possibilities the more you will

The chemical reactions between your mind and body...or mine. Its fascinating how
your thoughts not even said outloud or in actions alter my chemical composition and
change the physical shape of my molecules. Or what even struck me more was
the dependancy to emotions. Its true, ive never thought of it in that light before.
Each time you have an emotion that part of your brain so to speak fuses together
which makes the other emotions had to recieve, which is its hard to let go of anger
or fustration and harder to become happy.

Another thought for the day, whenever you do some random act of kindness your brain
releases serotonin which is the chemical in chocolate and released when you excerse
that makes you happy, same with the person recieving it and anyone watching.

Life is pretty fucking cool.

Muddy Waters has been my new comfort zone. In the last month I've spent more than 20
hours, the atmosphere the wooden beams, the comfy wooden seats brick walls
and abstract paintings. the smell warm roasted coffee, organic muffins and
ginger wafting around. The feeling of comfort immediately rushing though you
once you step in and ability to let go of the week and melt into this bohemian vermont

I want to open my own shop and create somewhere with the same vibe and
sense of comfort, it is my job to make a muddy waters for everyone to experience.

So this is me conforming into that crazy old lady you ignore, telling you to smile
at someone, be donnie darko and deny your path to experience another one.

Current Mood: thankful
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